I am very sorry for not updating this blog. One night, I had so many things to write and on the other night (like now) when I am in front of the computer screen, I am clueless what to write about. I honestly have been so busy and many of my friends and family has been chasing me for updates. Sorry again.

I have been busy for migration. Unfortunately, there are some hiccups with the sale of the restaurant - and by which, I concluded I am not sure if I can return Singapore in September for permanent migration. It will definitely be this year. Worse to worse case scenario, my family will be returning to Singapore regardless for Hari Raya Aidilfitri this year.

Good news is my husband has obtained his Singapore Permanent Residency status - I know of applicants who applied repeatedly for years and was constantly rejected. Even today, as I have a small chat with a Singapore Chinese lady who was the teller at my local bank, she told me of her story. Her 2 kids and herself were Singaporean, but her husband's (who was a tennis coach) PR Application was rejected. Eventually, they migrated to Melbourne and built a life here. This was 20 years ago. After hearing such experiences, I was relieved, at how fast and smooth Paul's application was. And not to mention, my son's citizenship approval was instant.

Irfan, my handsome baby boy is now 13 weeks old. He measured 60 cm long and 5.5 kilos in weight. He enjoys watches TV and talks more than ever. You are so cute my son, when I asked you why you did not want to sleep, you just look me in the eye and give me a smile! I went back to my in-laws place last weekend, and spent some time there. They were excited hearing Irfan speak and amazed at how much he has grown since they last seen him 5 weeks ago. Paul is reading up on toilet training at the moment, and we think Irfan is ready to be toilet train soon. Paul reads to him every day, and speaking to a child will only encourage him to vocalize. Irfan loves being on his tummy, and each time we do that, he moves his legs and hands as if trying to crawl. He is not ready for crawling yet, but definitely he can start to roll to the sides. You develop so fast my son, soon you'll never stay put !

I was considering options on how Irfan is to be taken care of when I get to Singapore starting next year. He will be about 8 months then, whether I should hire a maid, send to a babysitter or drop him off at the childcare. I wanted my son to be in a place where he learns and be interactive, and in an environment, I am confident will be safe. It is hard to separate from my son in near future, but I do have some goals to achieve for the year 2008. For my personal achievements. I did not want my son to go to a school (if he does) someday, and tell the teacher the good things about what my husband is working as, and one word to describe what his mom is doing - "housewife". I got some business plans for Singapore laid out, and hoping it will be as what I expected it to be if not better. Of course, nothing will work if you don't put hard work into it, so means investing time. I was just planning to send Irfan to a childcare for 5 hours a day for 5 days for him to mix with other people and of course, play and interact. Erna, my friend send Salleh, her 10 month old son to a childcare and he loves it. She told me, he did not even bid her farewell when she drop him off because he was so looking forward to go in and play. Maybe it will work for Irfan too. I did not want my son to be too attached to only Paul and me - I wanted him to be sociable and extrovert.

I have some videos of Irfan and my husband is putting it on the computer. I promise I'll put it up when it is ready. You'll definitely love this one. Next entry - promise!

I had a weird dream as I woke up this morning. In my dreams, I was a teacher in Singapore, and I was offered to go on an expedition to the other parts of the world (mostly in forests and seas) with the school for 6 years and not coming home. Irfan was still as young as he is, and my husband was in Singapore with me. The day I was meant to go, my grandparents, parents and family sent me off. I was happy to learn through this new experience and I thought to myself that 6 years was not very long. It was pictured now but the atmosphere looked like some time in the early century - when people travelled by sea and not airflights and forms of communication were poor (no Hp). After the expedition was over, we were all set to go home. I remembered being in this ship to return home - the ship were among the thousands in the open black sea in the shipyard. I was so happy to return home - after spending so long at sea, in forests and away from home. Sailing to home took about approximately 3 months. I filled up an immigration card which stated the date at that time. I knew there have been some delays in my expedition to finish but unexpectedly to my shock, it wrote there the year at 2048 - and which means I have been gone for 30 years. I asked the other teacher next to me, but she was not very sure of the year. We have spent so long camping through forests that we lost track of civilisation. It feels like the world spins even faster before we know it. But this teacher said that she got information that my parents and grandparents were dead, my son has grown old, and my husband spends his old age cutting hair in a barber place. My heart sank. I regretted going on an expedition on the account of selfishness to gain experience, when 6 years was dragged to 3 decades. I missed Irfan so much, cos when I left he was still a baby and I wondered if he still recognize me. I have not spoke to my husband since I left and he must have presumed I was dead. And I was not by my parents and grandmother side when they departed.

I felt that I missed them so much, my whole journey home was full of regrets, and I regretted not seeing my son grow, develop bonds & strengthening them, and collecting memories before my ancestors left. It was a terrible remorse. I regret separating from my husband and my son whom I love very much. I cried all through 3 months on the way home. I did not make it home - I woke up from sleep. And my husband was in front of me, saying good morning beautiful. I held his hand, and my son with the other, and I said to him, please don't leave. I told him about the dream I had, and he smiled thinking it was just mind games. It is, I knew it was not true. But the feeling it left me with, is still wondered upon till now. I will never forget that dream, and I understand how difficult separation can be, and how depressing regrets can bring.

I love you Paul Parker. It was a week ago, when I spend a late night watching our wedding video as you snuggled up in bed. I wanted to imagine myself on that wedding day of ours again. It is still magical. I saw your look, and how content you were to start our lives together and how lucky I was to have found you. It has been 20 months of marriage - nothing much between us have changed - except that I need you more than ever. Irfan and me.

ICA contacted us asking for further documentation to support Paul's PR Application. I've got them faxed and explained why we can't hand it in person, cos we are living in Australia. I hope that should suffice to pre-approve him entering Singapore as a permanent resident. Also, my son (who is a Singapore citizenship) is eligible for the Singapore baby bonus. That's great as we intend to save it for his future. It's quite a huge sum in his bank account soon despite him being just two months old - from the Australia Baby Bonus, Singapore Baby Bonus. In fact, Australia government even give me some maternity payment allowance as I am not a working mom. I intend to save it all up and put into Irfan's bank account. Alamak, macam gini, Irfan bank account in fatter than mine!

It's about 6 weeks to go before I have vacate this apartment and hand over my restaurant to its new owner. Will be spending some time at the farm with the in laws as we wait for the date of departure. I have not bought the tickets yet as am waiting on my husband's permanent residency. Only then, we can apply for a one way trip. I have sent email to the Australian International School in Singapore as I heard they prefer Australians teachers and their remuneration is much better than Singapore government schools. If my husband can't get a profession with A.I.S., then he'll settle with M.O.E. I am counting down to coming back to Singapore, and I have applied for a rented apartment from H.D.B. so I'll have a roof over my head in the meantime while Paul settles in his new job, and as we hunt down a home for ourselves. We are eyeing for an executive mansionette perhaps in Bedok, Simei or Tampines. I have always been associated with the east and that's the preferred location for where I call home.

Sometimes in this married life, I have given some thoughts to memories about my singlehood 3 years ago - that is, before I even have a serious thought of marriage in my head. Anyways, as you may know how matured I was to be working and travelling at young age. Yes, I was dead serious in work! (and tutoring) So busy that I missed out on many things youngsters consider fun today. I did club a few times (which can be count by my fingers) - not much, with friends and most of the time, when I did, I didn't remember having so much fun. Not the company. but the atmosphere. Other times, when I did enter clubs, are usually business purposes, where my overseas counterparts affiliates are in town. Every weeknight after work when I didn't travel, I went straight to students' home to teach as much classes as I can possibly fit. What was I missing out?

I hardly been to common places even like Tampines Mall. Basically cos I didn't have the time, and I did my massive shopping when I possibly have time, is usually overseas. The only sport I played after I left school was golf at the Jurong Country Club and I have thoughts of taking up tennis! The only time I dyed my hair is for it to become blacker than ever. Somehow as I was growing up, having blackest of black hair makes me look ehem.. jambu. (that was then, I am not now) I have never did manicure and predicure in my life. Last year was the first time I own my own digital camera. I never use a USB and if you give me an Ipod or MP3, I'll go, huh? I have absolute no clue how to download music. I always have been using phones to call or sms - My preference are phones without gadgets or functions like camera, video, er.. no thanks! And what the hell is Bluetooth? The only accessories I wear are gold. Before I got married, I did not cut my hair for 5 years. Which means, I am not a regular to the saloon. My husband cut my hair last year April after I fell into depression, I was not combing my hair and it became the biggest dead knot I have ever seen. My husband gave up on my hair. I maintained a one hole per ear. There are so many more, that I do not have to explain and you could already what kind of person I am - to simplify in one word - BORING !

Well, I am trying not be a boring mom to Irfan though. Speaking of my beloved one, he is turning 11 weeks this Tuesday. Phew, the clock ticks so fast and as it seems, Irfan is getting smarter and smarter by the days. This past week, he has been chatting too much until I gave up on him. You're too talkative, Irfan. Girls will be put off that way, you know. Anyways, his intelligence is amazing - that I can't deny. Paul & I are planning to buy this massive world map to be attached onto Irfan's bedroom wall in Singapore later so he can learn the countries and world's famous cities as he is growing. It will cost us USD $250 inclusive of freight from the United States. Definitely worth it.

Paul has been busy with a game he downloaded from the internet - which teach you step by step to be a pilot, fly a virtual plane on real streets. He even bought a joystick (without my permission) to make his playtime more fun! He's glued to the computer and I have been the one changing Irfan's nappies now. He has intentions to pursue a pilot's license with the Flying School in Singapore.

Business this week is so quiet like never before. It's times like this, that makes me feel glad I am finally selling the business. Don't get me wrong, last week for example was really good, there are just some shitty weeks in this industry which are unpredictable, but still something you need to tolerate. At least, I have made myself some good profit selling it away and I do have plans to start something in Singapore. Just plans for the moment - especially since Irfan is still very young.

I spoke to someone about hiring a maid and realise just how cheap it actually is. I have thoughts if hiring one next year even if I am a housewife. She is to help me with the chores whilst I can concentrate on Irfan. Later on in the years, I need to be really busy educating Irfan as he will be home-schooled. But hiring a maid, means there is no more privacy at home, and it's a big deal for me to give that up considering we have live on our own since we got married. So perhaps - no?

The fasting month is coming. I didn't manage to fast last year as I was pregnant. As some of u may know, Irfan's while in the womb, takes a lot of nutrients out of me, and if I did fast, I think I could be admitted into hospital due to dehydration and starvation. So that was why I missed fasting last year. I intend to, this year but I am breastfeeding. I should try a few days and see how it goes. If I end up fainting, I might not fast this year. But insyallah, I'll get through and yet making sure I eat well so Irfan will not be deprived of the nutrients he require. Another 7 more months to go, before I finish breastfeeding.

Breastmilk is the best source of nutrient for a developing baby. I have nothing against those who fed their babies with formula for whatsoever reason, but for those who would like to know more, I hope they understand that breastmilk is the most valuable gift you can give to your baby. And as long as you have the will and capacity to breastfeed, please do. The first year after a baby is born is when his/her immune system develops. Immune systems helps the child to be immune to diseases making them strong, healthy and hardly or never fall sick. This developing immune system will last them their whole life. If you breastfeed them, their immune system will develop so well that even after they finish breastfeeding, they are strong enough to fight any diseases they may pick up till they die. That is how essential breastmilk is to a baby not for short term only, but for long term. If you read up on the internet or books about what the breastmilk contains, you'll be amazed at the nutrients in them that no formula can match. That is Allah's gift to you to give to your child. And once I read, even when the babies are born premature and require more nutrients that a full term baby does, the breastmilk of the mother is regulated and produced by the body to such that it provides the exact nutrients the premature baby needs. Isn't our body amazing, that's why they say, mothers knows best!

As long as your baby is breastfeed, it will be hard for him/her to catch even flu. If he is in a confined area where bacteria lurks, make sure you are there too. So if you capture that same bacteria in yourself, your bodies will produce antibodies to fight these bacteria and these antibodies will be transferred to your child via the breastmilk, and he/she too can fight the same bacteria at ease and will not fall sick. Keep your newborns near you, moms.

There is so much about baby development. My husband is an avid reader, and he always explains to me for the things he decide to do, for me to eat, or for Irfan. He is knowledgeable about pregnancy and baby's development more than me, and his guidance is priceless. Thank you Paul for giving me this healthy bub, who is never a worry.

That's Irfan when he was born. I went around viewing other people's profiles who had newborn photos on them, and I looked back at Irfan's. I am so happy my son has grown this big, this fast but yet, I miss him so much when he was a newborn. He was so beautiful. Like every mother, to me, my son is the most beautiful newborn I have ever seen. Would you agree with me?

He is born through Ceasarean, which doctors claimed stress-free for the baby compare to normal delivery, and the good thing about this mode, is that Irfan head is not squeezed or squashed, and he looks so perfect - stress free mah? Though I remember minutes before the delivery, the doctor told me sometimes the newborn gets shocked as he was not expecting to come out yet. Heh.

Back then, he was still so shy to open his eyes and he looked so arrogant whilst his daddy gives him endless kisses and cuddles. His strawberry pink cheeks compliments his very fair skin, and when I first saw his eyes open in the operating theatre, it melts me to see those beautiful colors - shades of blue and grey.

In my mind, I was still questioning myself. Is he really mine? Did he just came out of me? Is he suppose to be this beautiful? I was expecting a cute baby, but him being so beautiful is something I don't know how to accept. God, I don't deserve this beautiful creation of yours, yet your perfect gift to me, is something I'll treasure till my very last breath.

I miss those 3 days I spent at the hospital with Irfan. During the day, my husband would come by at 7 in the morning to spend time with bub and me, and stayed till late. We took bub for a walk the very next day after I had my Caesarean, around in the garden behind the hospital where Irfan can get some sunlight and fresh air. And by night, as my husband leaves, I be left with Irfan by my side, and as I looked at this precious little one, I cannot believe my eyes. My tears that flowed that very night by the hospital bed still run sometimes when I look at Irfan today. He is mine, and nothing can change that fact. And oh, I am the most luckiest mother in the world. I waited for an offspring since the day I got married, and failing once did die my hopes to have another. But I fight the demons causing my depression, and at the end of a 9 month wait, I am blessed - so blessed.

And the feeling of bringing Irfan home - I miss that moment too. We are strangers still to each other and I was so looking forward to knowing him. Now, Irfan can see me, and he knows I am his mother. How do I know that? For he has started to reject strangers and only be silent and comfortable in the cuddles of his mummy. Me. And him acknowledging my presence is another best gift I ever asked for.

Pardon me my readers, if all your read is so much about Irfan. But I hope you do understand, since 1st may 2007 - my life was no longer about me or my husband. Our lives has now become about Irfan. All we speak and all we do are about or for Irfan. I cannot live a moment without him, I took his pictures everyday and saved them in folders I've categorized in dates I took them, I video cam his every moment and speech, I breastfed him every time he is hungry, I slept by his side each night - our faces apart by a mere a finger, I kiss him at least a hundred times a day, I miss him terribly when he sleeps, I logged on my friendster account to view my son's pics all the time and commented on how beautiful this baby is, and when my husband reach my computer screen to view who I was referring to, undoubtly it is his son. He calls me crazy for that.

I am obsessed with Irfan, and like my husband, I wanted the best in life for him. Until he gets the best, I couldn't rest. I cannot resist him, and though all the days since he arrived was well captured and remembered, I still miss those early days. How time flies so fast, and soon one day, he will off marrying his perfect partner in life. And still, I think, regardless of how old he may be, to me, he is still my baby boy. The one I nurse, the one I gave birth to, and the one I'd do anything for. I hope, he understands this motherly love I have for him, and he will love me just as much.

Daniel Irfan, my love...
I am sorry...

if the nappy I put on you wasn't the perfect fit, if the bunny wrap I wrap you with was not always so comfortable, if I was a second late to reach your side when you cried for me, if I dress you up in clothes you may not like, if I irritate you at time with my hundred kisses (which I could not help myself with), if I couldn't sing you a melodious lullaby, if I am not around for every second you open your eyes, for my son.. I have tried my best and even if someone tell me there is a million other things I need to know to being your perfect mom, believe me, I am most willing to learn.

To my friends who are pregnant, I would just like to say that it is the most magical moment of your life to be blessed with a life in your very self, and to feels his/her movements and seeing your tummy develop over 9 months, it is the most beautiful sight. Every woman is beautiful, but she is most beautiful when she is pregnant. I miss being pregnant, every bit of it, the pleasurable and the complaints. And I look forward to be pregnant again, when Allah finally decides to give me another - healthy and beautiful one.

A stranger once came up to me, and said I was so beautiful. Today I woke up to same stranger every morning.

And every morning, he said to me, hello beautiful.

Now that we have bub, every morning he said, good morning my babies! That's my husband.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. My husband, to me, is handsome la! My son - even more handsome!
Sorry husband to break this to you. You're now second in my heart. First place - you know who lah..

Two years ago, I was always moving around,either rushing from appointments to another or waiting along at the airport for my flight overseas for business. Then I always had a stylish handbag (with a mobile phone, cosmetics kits, purse and palm top in it) and a labtop everywhere I go. I cannot help myself to work. On weekends when I don't have to enter office (though sometime I do), I spent the whole day of 12 hours tutoring from home to home. Teaching is a passion - and I simply love children. All these took place from when I turn 18 till I got married at 20. That was how my youth was spent.

Today, I've packed away those business suits, no longer carry a labtop wherever I go, and in my bag are nappies, towel, baby pilchers, extra baby wear and my purse. My husband choose not to hold a wallet, as he rather have me handle the finance entirely. And most of the time, I couldn't care less if our mobile phone is brought along or left at home. Unless, of course, I am expecting an emergency call.

Amazing back in those days how mobile phone bills raised ceiling high easily with the thousands sms I sent, and now I have trouble finishing a $30 monthly credit on my phone. How last time, you took advantage of the incoming free calls and was always chatting with someone every other time but now, the ringing of mobile phone I couldn't care less to answer. And sometimes wish, no one will call me or Paul.

The day I accepted a proposal from this Australian is the point of my life graph, where everything takes a different direction. I knew what is on this path of life I chose, and I was confident, giving up the fun lifestyle of modern career woman, was going to be worth it. I was happy where I was back then - having a good career at mere 18 and was traveling the world (on paid expenses mind you) before I hit 20. My life was absolutely fine, without a husband and without a son.

I lived fine without Irfan back then, but now since Irfan came, I don't think I can ever be fine without him.

Marriage is a beautiful union. They say love comes when you least expect it, and love gives you the happiness that no money in the world can buy. True. I felt what it feels to love and be in love, to be so secured in a relationship that your husband is always by your side, to be so blessed with a family.

My friends are slowly getting married, one after another. I wish them all the best for the mosque they have built, and may their lives also be filled with bundles of joy in near future. Looking their wedding photos and the happiness in their eyes, reminded me so much of what it felt on 19 November 2005 - when I got married. That moment was one of the best in my life. For those who have not yet seen the wedding photos, here they are. The difference is now, we are no longer pengantin baru, but pengantin lama... tapi belum veteran lagi. :)

And 18 months later - comes our precious bundle of joy. Daniel Irfan Parker, who have recently labelled as talkative or banyak songeh. View his video in my precious entry.

I am seriously not joking when I say this baby is a blessing. For starters, he sleeps so well at night since the day we brought him home, that Paul and I never complained of being sleep deprived. Secondly, he is so healthy and never fall sick - thus we are never worried about his health. Well, they say breastfed babies are usually very healthy. What can be more satisfying that to see our growing baby boy starting to smile, respond and interact. I have been consuming some fish oil tablets which is high in Omega-3 for Irfan's healthy brain development and intelligence boost. Insyallah he will be a smart son of mine in future. Just like his daddy.

People complaint how newborns or babies change so much of their lives. Don't get me wrong, I do agree with them. My life for instance, has drastically change. Things that you plan to do, no longer follows your schedule. It follows the routine of your child, on when he is awake or when he gives u your "alone" time if he sleeps. I set myself stuff to do each day, but can never predict what time it can be done. When Irfan is sound asleep, that's when I start doing my stuff and hopefully complete it by the time, Irfan and I snuggle for our night sleep. And so far, everything is organised as plan. When I say Irfan is such a good boy and maybe different, I maybe right. He sleeps on long-haul flights and what's more amazing is that he sleeps through movies too. Believe it or not, Paul & I went to the movies with Irfan and I would proudly claimed, we have no problems. They didn't specify if you can or cannot bring in babies to the cinema and I wouldn't abandon Irfan into the care of someone else, just to watch some movies. But last fortnight, the three of us caught the movie Fantastic 4 and it was fantastic. Then, just earlier today, we watched Transformers. Irfan sleeps through the loud noise, easy. Transformers movies is a 2 thumbs up by the way - its your loss to miss it. I reckoned it should hit #1 in the Box Office. Next plan is to watch Harry Porter sometime this July. I am confident, Irfan, my baby boy will be a good baby as always. See, I am blessed.

I met a wonderful lady by the nick of Venus through friendster. Her real name is Sherin. Like me, she is a Singaporen who married to an Australian and migrated to Australia (Perth), as well as blessed with a beautiful baby girl who is 18 months now. We met last year through friendster and she was always sending me messages of encouragement and well wishes from the time Elman is gone, and Irfan is here. And now that her company has been posting her in Melbourne for a couple of days, we finally caught up with each other. She is indeed a wonderful friend, as wonderful as she already is online. We had a good time, just chatting away of course mostly of motherhood now that we are both mothers. I am not sure when we'll see each other again now that we are leaving for Singapore permanently. But Sherin, keep in touch no matter what and please ring me each time you return to Singapore for your annual family visit. And update more of your baby girl photos, will you? Here is her picture with Irfan. And by the way, she said Irfan looks so much like Paul.

Isn't it interesting - how my circle of friends have expanded through the world of friendster and blogging ? I didn't felt alone like I used to when I first migrated. Though most new friends, are those I never met before, but their messages and comments have always been appreciated and make my day! With that mention, to you all, my friends on friendster, thank you.

One day, last few weeks, a lady called Erna O'dell happened to stumble of my profile on friendster on her brother's labtop. She does not have an account on her own, but through some ways, she found my email address and she sent an email to me introducing herself. Till today, I have not seen her though since her first email, we have exchanged emails and speak regularly on MSN. But though we have not meet eye to eye, this lady has so much in common with me. So much that it shocked me in the beginning, then makes me feel even more not alone, when you have someone in the exact same boat as you. There are so many more things to share, and she has been my close friend now. (if she may not have realized) and her friendship derived from friendster. And to her beautiful heart and being my friend, is another reason I am thankful for.

You see, she is in her mid-twenties, which is as young as I am. She is a Malay Singaporean who married a Caucasian Australian, have a beautiful son, Salleh Michael O'Dell who is 10 months old now, and lived in Australia. She went through Caesarean giving birth to Salleh, her husband is a Muslim before they were married, and she is a housewife like me. When we speak more of our lives, the things she face being married with a Caucasian and being pregnant in a foreign land, bringing up a Muslim son in the Australian society, the feeling of migration, etc etc are exactly what I am facing, encounter and feel. I am not alone. I have her, to listen and to share. Once, when I told her about the love I've lost, she told me not to cry. And her console, makes me imagine that if she were to be beside me, she will wipe that tears of mine.

Thank you Erna sweetheart. Thank you for the very first email you sent that sparked off this beautiful friendship, one of the best I ever had. It was only last month when we are strangers, and now, we are close friends. I look forward to see your darling Salleh and pass on kisses to him for me, each and every day.

I have not asked her permission to put this up, but I really want all who read to know this lady with a very beautiful heart and a beautiful son.
Did I already mention she has a beautiful son? He really is!