I am very sorry for not updating this blog. One night, I had so many things to write and on the other night (like now) when I am in front of the computer screen, I am clueless what to write about. I honestly have been so busy and many of my friends and family has been chasing me for updates. Sorry again.

I have been busy for migration. Unfortunately, there are some hiccups with the sale of the restaurant - and by which, I concluded I am not sure if I can return Singapore in September for permanent migration. It will definitely be this year. Worse to worse case scenario, my family will be returning to Singapore regardless for Hari Raya Aidilfitri this year.

Good news is my husband has obtained his Singapore Permanent Residency status - I know of applicants who applied repeatedly for years and was constantly rejected. Even today, as I have a small chat with a Singapore Chinese lady who was the teller at my local bank, she told me of her story. Her 2 kids and herself were Singaporean, but her husband's (who was a tennis coach) PR Application was rejected. Eventually, they migrated to Melbourne and built a life here. This was 20 years ago. After hearing such experiences, I was relieved, at how fast and smooth Paul's application was. And not to mention, my son's citizenship approval was instant.

Irfan, my handsome baby boy is now 13 weeks old. He measured 60 cm long and 5.5 kilos in weight. He enjoys watches TV and talks more than ever. You are so cute my son, when I asked you why you did not want to sleep, you just look me in the eye and give me a smile! I went back to my in-laws place last weekend, and spent some time there. They were excited hearing Irfan speak and amazed at how much he has grown since they last seen him 5 weeks ago. Paul is reading up on toilet training at the moment, and we think Irfan is ready to be toilet train soon. Paul reads to him every day, and speaking to a child will only encourage him to vocalize. Irfan loves being on his tummy, and each time we do that, he moves his legs and hands as if trying to crawl. He is not ready for crawling yet, but definitely he can start to roll to the sides. You develop so fast my son, soon you'll never stay put !

I was considering options on how Irfan is to be taken care of when I get to Singapore starting next year. He will be about 8 months then, whether I should hire a maid, send to a babysitter or drop him off at the childcare. I wanted my son to be in a place where he learns and be interactive, and in an environment, I am confident will be safe. It is hard to separate from my son in near future, but I do have some goals to achieve for the year 2008. For my personal achievements. I did not want my son to go to a school (if he does) someday, and tell the teacher the good things about what my husband is working as, and one word to describe what his mom is doing - "housewife". I got some business plans for Singapore laid out, and hoping it will be as what I expected it to be if not better. Of course, nothing will work if you don't put hard work into it, so means investing time. I was just planning to send Irfan to a childcare for 5 hours a day for 5 days for him to mix with other people and of course, play and interact. Erna, my friend send Salleh, her 10 month old son to a childcare and he loves it. She told me, he did not even bid her farewell when she drop him off because he was so looking forward to go in and play. Maybe it will work for Irfan too. I did not want my son to be too attached to only Paul and me - I wanted him to be sociable and extrovert.

I have some videos of Irfan and my husband is putting it on the computer. I promise I'll put it up when it is ready. You'll definitely love this one. Next entry - promise!

I had a weird dream as I woke up this morning. In my dreams, I was a teacher in Singapore, and I was offered to go on an expedition to the other parts of the world (mostly in forests and seas) with the school for 6 years and not coming home. Irfan was still as young as he is, and my husband was in Singapore with me. The day I was meant to go, my grandparents, parents and family sent me off. I was happy to learn through this new experience and I thought to myself that 6 years was not very long. It was pictured now but the atmosphere looked like some time in the early century - when people travelled by sea and not airflights and forms of communication were poor (no Hp). After the expedition was over, we were all set to go home. I remembered being in this ship to return home - the ship were among the thousands in the open black sea in the shipyard. I was so happy to return home - after spending so long at sea, in forests and away from home. Sailing to home took about approximately 3 months. I filled up an immigration card which stated the date at that time. I knew there have been some delays in my expedition to finish but unexpectedly to my shock, it wrote there the year at 2048 - and which means I have been gone for 30 years. I asked the other teacher next to me, but she was not very sure of the year. We have spent so long camping through forests that we lost track of civilisation. It feels like the world spins even faster before we know it. But this teacher said that she got information that my parents and grandparents were dead, my son has grown old, and my husband spends his old age cutting hair in a barber place. My heart sank. I regretted going on an expedition on the account of selfishness to gain experience, when 6 years was dragged to 3 decades. I missed Irfan so much, cos when I left he was still a baby and I wondered if he still recognize me. I have not spoke to my husband since I left and he must have presumed I was dead. And I was not by my parents and grandmother side when they departed.

I felt that I missed them so much, my whole journey home was full of regrets, and I regretted not seeing my son grow, develop bonds & strengthening them, and collecting memories before my ancestors left. It was a terrible remorse. I regret separating from my husband and my son whom I love very much. I cried all through 3 months on the way home. I did not make it home - I woke up from sleep. And my husband was in front of me, saying good morning beautiful. I held his hand, and my son with the other, and I said to him, please don't leave. I told him about the dream I had, and he smiled thinking it was just mind games. It is, I knew it was not true. But the feeling it left me with, is still wondered upon till now. I will never forget that dream, and I understand how difficult separation can be, and how depressing regrets can bring.

I love you Paul Parker. It was a week ago, when I spend a late night watching our wedding video as you snuggled up in bed. I wanted to imagine myself on that wedding day of ours again. It is still magical. I saw your look, and how content you were to start our lives together and how lucky I was to have found you. It has been 20 months of marriage - nothing much between us have changed - except that I need you more than ever. Irfan and me.