That's Irfan when he was born. I went around viewing other people's profiles who had newborn photos on them, and I looked back at Irfan's. I am so happy my son has grown this big, this fast but yet, I miss him so much when he was a newborn. He was so beautiful. Like every mother, to me, my son is the most beautiful newborn I have ever seen. Would you agree with me?

He is born through Ceasarean, which doctors claimed stress-free for the baby compare to normal delivery, and the good thing about this mode, is that Irfan head is not squeezed or squashed, and he looks so perfect - stress free mah? Though I remember minutes before the delivery, the doctor told me sometimes the newborn gets shocked as he was not expecting to come out yet. Heh.

Back then, he was still so shy to open his eyes and he looked so arrogant whilst his daddy gives him endless kisses and cuddles. His strawberry pink cheeks compliments his very fair skin, and when I first saw his eyes open in the operating theatre, it melts me to see those beautiful colors - shades of blue and grey.

In my mind, I was still questioning myself. Is he really mine? Did he just came out of me? Is he suppose to be this beautiful? I was expecting a cute baby, but him being so beautiful is something I don't know how to accept. God, I don't deserve this beautiful creation of yours, yet your perfect gift to me, is something I'll treasure till my very last breath.

I miss those 3 days I spent at the hospital with Irfan. During the day, my husband would come by at 7 in the morning to spend time with bub and me, and stayed till late. We took bub for a walk the very next day after I had my Caesarean, around in the garden behind the hospital where Irfan can get some sunlight and fresh air. And by night, as my husband leaves, I be left with Irfan by my side, and as I looked at this precious little one, I cannot believe my eyes. My tears that flowed that very night by the hospital bed still run sometimes when I look at Irfan today. He is mine, and nothing can change that fact. And oh, I am the most luckiest mother in the world. I waited for an offspring since the day I got married, and failing once did die my hopes to have another. But I fight the demons causing my depression, and at the end of a 9 month wait, I am blessed - so blessed.

And the feeling of bringing Irfan home - I miss that moment too. We are strangers still to each other and I was so looking forward to knowing him. Now, Irfan can see me, and he knows I am his mother. How do I know that? For he has started to reject strangers and only be silent and comfortable in the cuddles of his mummy. Me. And him acknowledging my presence is another best gift I ever asked for.

Pardon me my readers, if all your read is so much about Irfan. But I hope you do understand, since 1st may 2007 - my life was no longer about me or my husband. Our lives has now become about Irfan. All we speak and all we do are about or for Irfan. I cannot live a moment without him, I took his pictures everyday and saved them in folders I've categorized in dates I took them, I video cam his every moment and speech, I breastfed him every time he is hungry, I slept by his side each night - our faces apart by a mere a finger, I kiss him at least a hundred times a day, I miss him terribly when he sleeps, I logged on my friendster account to view my son's pics all the time and commented on how beautiful this baby is, and when my husband reach my computer screen to view who I was referring to, undoubtly it is his son. He calls me crazy for that.

I am obsessed with Irfan, and like my husband, I wanted the best in life for him. Until he gets the best, I couldn't rest. I cannot resist him, and though all the days since he arrived was well captured and remembered, I still miss those early days. How time flies so fast, and soon one day, he will off marrying his perfect partner in life. And still, I think, regardless of how old he may be, to me, he is still my baby boy. The one I nurse, the one I gave birth to, and the one I'd do anything for. I hope, he understands this motherly love I have for him, and he will love me just as much.

Daniel Irfan, my love...
I am sorry...

if the nappy I put on you wasn't the perfect fit, if the bunny wrap I wrap you with was not always so comfortable, if I was a second late to reach your side when you cried for me, if I dress you up in clothes you may not like, if I irritate you at time with my hundred kisses (which I could not help myself with), if I couldn't sing you a melodious lullaby, if I am not around for every second you open your eyes, for my son.. I have tried my best and even if someone tell me there is a million other things I need to know to being your perfect mom, believe me, I am most willing to learn.

To my friends who are pregnant, I would just like to say that it is the most magical moment of your life to be blessed with a life in your very self, and to feels his/her movements and seeing your tummy develop over 9 months, it is the most beautiful sight. Every woman is beautiful, but she is most beautiful when she is pregnant. I miss being pregnant, every bit of it, the pleasurable and the complaints. And I look forward to be pregnant again, when Allah finally decides to give me another - healthy and beautiful one.